Every so often I run across folks who equate “being nice” with “behaving ethically.” That this drives me batty will come as no surprise to regular readers.
But I’d like to add another peg to the discussion: “nice” is classist. I’ll fill that out a little more: “nice” is how well-to-do white folks with asthma behave at dinner parties, and how they expect you to behave if you wish to curry their favor. Reading How to Rent a Negro has only underlined my conviction.
So a dare: Please, proponents of nice, show me where I can read a stalwart defense of the “ethical=nice” position. (I work with academic ethicists, and they will be delighted for this complete reframing of the last 2500 years of their field!)
Bonus points if the essay/article/book makes me included, affirmed, or actualized!
And a second dare: I grew up working class, among salt of the earth types who would saw off their leg for you if you thought you needed it. But “nice” was something you did around rich people so they would like you, not something you did around family and friends. Please explain to me how we were wrong about nice, in a way that won’t make me have to kick your ass for dissing my mama. (So be sure to be nice about it.)
A had an philosphy/ethics prof. who consistently said that he had given up “nice” for “honesty.”
You and your ‘nice rants’ ;)
Seriously, I know what you’re saying, but I still use the word nice all the time and don’t consider it an insult. I agree that too much niceness can be dangerous, or at least, suspicious. I don’t really know anyone who equates niceness with ethics. Or, at least, not anyone who would seriously argue that point. People are nice, in many ways, for convenience. It just makes things flow more smoothly. Often, there is no reason not to be nice. Having moved to Oklahoma, I notice that people are nicer. Does that make them more ethical? Probably not. But they are more personable and give me a little more faith in the humanity than I get when I go to a department store in New York City. Being nice is also just good business.
I think that people realize niceness is not the same as ethics. I really do. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have it’s purpose and that being around nice people isn’t, well, … nice.
I can completely see your point but I think that you might be turning a blind eye to the most basic definition of nice: it’s the opposite of mean. In practice, it means not exploiting someone else’s fears or weaknesses simply for the joy of watching them squirm (especially when you claim to care about that person’s welfare).
Are nice and ethical the same thing? By no means, but if you look at nice as a shade of kindness (taking out the trash for your neighbor who just had her knee replaced; helping the old lady across the street bring in her groceries), then there is, I think, a place for nice in the world.
BTW, got here via an ad on m-w.com when I did a search for a definition of “irony” Just thought you might find that amusing.
Yes, nicer is easier (generally, in an “at the mall” sort of way). And, no, my disavowal of “nice” isn’t a endorsement of “mean.” Although I’m not at all above a little schadenfreude—in my mother’s side of the family and in my college fraternity, schadenfreude meant affection, so long as no one really came to harm. (“Hey man, that wasn’t cool.”)
“Nice” has too broad of a meaning. “Nice” gets to mean kindness and compassion. But “nice” also gets to mean passive aggression. That can only aid the passive aggressive because they get to claim both the compassionate and the mean side of “nice.” (And usually no one calls them on it.)
So I’m in favor of using “kind” for kind behavior, “compassionate” for compassionate behavior, and “ethical” for ethical behavior. And being suspicious of those who would tell me throw away my harmless schadenfreude and irony and be “nice.”
In a world where gang wars sometimes start with dissing, why shouldn’t we treat niceness as a useful virtue?
CC
who suspects that the professor who had given up niceness for honesty had tenure already before he took that brave stance. Also, his wife frequently apologises for him in social situations.
LOL, CC. that last comment is pretty funny.
It may come as no surprise, given the nom de snark I’ve decided to travel under that I don’t do “nice”. I’ll be nice, but put quotes around it and I’m reaching for the nearest cow pie…
Nice is worth looking up. I’ve not done so in a long time, and had forgotten some of the delights of the dictionary (OED, I’m pedantic…) on this particular word. As a noun? (obsolete, but still…) “A foolish or simple person; a fool.” Oh yeah, I so want to be nice. And it referred equally to actions. “Nice” sermons, were… foolish.
How… nice.
Equally, and in the same time frame… “Wanton, loose-mannered; lascivious” — both of people and conduct.
Now… who wants to be labeled “nice”?
Now, to be fair, nice could also mean “very trim, smart, elegant”–but that’s a rare usage. One wonders if it was a usage that just allowed one to slip the knife in publicly…. Or perhaps it’s just a misunderstanding of the use meaning “Extravagant, flaunting” (of dress).
There’s also an array of meanings… strange, lazy, delicate, unmanly, over-refined, coy, fastidious, dainty, difficult to please, Agreeable ( freq. somewhat derisive).
A nice set of meanings. No wonder the word’s approached warily and with trepidation. Talk about linguistic multiple personality disorder.
I’ll settle for being blunt and honest, and try to be kind.
Given that I’m generally in favor of saying what you mean, calling it like it is (kind for kind, etc) suits. And I know what you mean about the schadenfreude. We only tease because we love could be our family motto. Do you think, then, that those who use “nice” as armor really mean “sit down, shut up, and don’t be uppity?”
Woodstock—There seems to be a strong correlation between “nice” and passive aggressive behavior. But correlation doesn’t imply cause, so I wouldn’t venture to guess at what “nice” people really mean. But, yes, that’s what they mean. I’m sure of it. ;-)
Ogre—Thanks for the OED—how nice of you!
CC—But the absense of “nice” doesn’t have to mean someone is an asshole instead. Although one assumes certain exceptions for academia, of course. ;-)
CP—You, my friend, are quite kind and quite amiable. If this appears to others as niceness, so be it. But you haven’t fooled me! ;-) I know your true virtues!
A “nice” little story
A few years ago on a bitterly cold January day, I was driving to work.
A succint description of me would be an old white guy with a bad attitude.
While I was driving along in the right hand lane a car came up next to me
on the entrance ramp. A succint description of the driver would be a
young unhappy black guy. I sped up a little and he slowed down a little
with the intention of merging in behind me. Then the car in front of me
slowed down a bunch for no reason. Although not germaine, the car was
driven by an old white woman. So, me and the black guy were about
to occupy the same space at the same time. I slowed down a bunch
to let him in front of me. Once he was on the highway, he rolled
down his window, stuck his arm out, and waved thankyou.
That’s it.
Not “nice.” Kind.