I’ve mentioned here in passing that I was diagnosed with bipolar II about six months ago. On average, it takes about seven or eight years to diagnose someone with bipolar correctly. For me, I didn’t get diagnosed for over a dozen years after my initial diagnosis of depression.
But since I found out I have bipolar, I’ve learned a lot.
1. I can forget things forever. We bipolars rely on the ole bipolar adrenaline rush—otherwise known as hypomania—to learn things. This can be very effective. Attaching strong emotions to things as I learn them lets me remember what I learned by calling back that emotion—remember the feeling to remember the subject. But on the other end of that swing—when everything is numb—I have a hard time pulling it up again. A few cycles later, it can be gone entirely. God knows how much I’ve forgotten this way.
2. I can get great work done during hypomania. Optimism is the rule. Energy is boundless. Nothing can go wrong. No project is too big. And if I don’t go into full mania—and type II bipolars don’t—odds are I will pull it off. If I can finish before the crash.
3. I make stupid ass choices during hypomania. I max out new credit cards. I start huge projects no one could finish. And I push friends and family into joining me on my fool’s errands. If you’re not for me, you’re against me. Get on board, because I’m on my way, dammit. Huge risks with little hope of payoff.
4. I make even worse decisions during a “mixed state.” That’s when you’re depressed and manic at the same time. I’ve done things like quitting a job without having another one lined up. When I’m down and out, working myself into a mixed state looks real nice. And then the stupid begins.
5. Bipolar has a worse stigma than depression. No surprises there. When my diagnosis was depression, folks would give me looks of recognition when I’d tell them. Now, there are tinges of pity and fear in their eyes. It’s like I’m dangerous now. Or helpless.
6. A good diagnosis can explain so much. Now I know why I couldn’t finish that website when everyone was counting on me, even though it was within my ability. Why I couldn’t make any headway on that book, even though I had it all mapped out. Why I couldn’t get any work done at all once I had my small business all planned out, even with good contacts and prospects. And most of all, why it’s been a pattern.
7. I can keep an eye out for a future mania. Now I know the signs. Big plans. The vision thing. That look in my wife’s eye. Fingering the credit card. Time to back off and ease up.
8. Just because a project is exciting doesn’t mean I need to take it on. And I especially mean “projects.” They’re big, they’re shiny, they’re new. They make big changes and make a big splash. And they’re just asking for me to get hypomanic about it.
9. It’s hard to trust my instincts again. What if I’m getting manic? Or what if this will lead to my getting manic? It’s hard to believe I can get things done without being hypomanic, even though I still manage to make it happen.
10. The fundies didn’t help any. I’m not really interested in the nature vs. nurture debate. Chicken and the egg. I don’t know if the church camp highs—and crashes—caused my bipolar, but they sure contributed. There’s no way seeking a constant spiritual high helps anyone. For one, it’s just not possible to be on a spiritual high all the time. Nor is it helpful or healthy. Plus, it’s just a fucked up definition of normal.
11. Hypomania doesn’t get to define “normal.” A big part of why it takes so long for bipolar to be diagnosed is that we bipolars think our hypomania is what happy looks like. So we don’t report our hypomanic symptoms because, well, hypomania is the way we’re supposed to be, see? Happy is blurrier and more grounded than hypomania. And safer too.
12. Good meds go a long way. Getting the right meds—and sticking with them—does all sorts of good. I’m so much more “evened out” now. Family members have told me I’m acting like myself again. Living without the roller coaster thrills of swapping depression for hypomania for depression is a loss, in a weird way, but it’s so much easier to keep an eye on things when my neurons are in good working order.
I love your list, so insightful (considering our conversation of the other day).
That’s what got me thinking about it. :-)
This took guts to put out there! I’m proud of you.
Very informative!
I’m glad you’re feeling better!
Thanks for talking about your experience. It’s nearly impossible to explain mental illness to someone who hasn’t “been there”; the best we can do is try to articulate something that, in the end, doesn’t make sense.
I suffer from depression. My mom was diagnosed with bi-polar at age 68, but only after a nearly successful suicide attempt. She had been diagnosed with major depression for nearly 30 years. The doctors remained mystified by her symptoms (she never displayed manic behavior before the suicide attempt, but was clearly manic after), but mood stabilizers have definitely helped. She’s probably better adjusted to life now than any time that I can remember.
In the spirit of your post, I’d like to add some observations from my somewhat different experience:
1. Memory– I’ve found that, although my mind recovers from depression, my memories retain the distorted thinking that characterized the depression. So I’ll remember past events with huge amounts of shame and guilt that bear little relation to what actually happened. So not only may you forget things, you may remember things as they never were.
2. Recovery is a slow process– I first felt suicidal when I was 12 years old, and didn’t finally get long-lasting relief from those thoughts until 30 years later. That left a lot of time to develop coping strategies that aren’t helpful when I’m healthy, and it takes time to relearn how to live when I’m better adjusted. If I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t have looked for a “quick fix” (Gee, I don’t feel like dying. I must be well!), because that meant many of my symptoms were never treated or addressed.
3. Social factors– People may at first be more understanding of depression than bipolar, but that doesn’t mean that they won’t discreetly write depressed people off socially or professionally. Something more dangerous can happen with bipolar folks– professional or business associates may find it personally advantageous to them to encourage hypomanic behavior. As you’ve indicated, you can be ultra-productive when you’re hypomanic. I knew a bipolar attorney who could go days without sleep during trials, dazzle the jury and win for his clients, generating good income for his business partners. They knew that his behavior was odd, but they were motivated to enable him, rather than confront him. Neither his clients nor his partners had to pay the cost for his super-human performances (broken marriages) or suffer his crippling, and in the end fatal, depressive episodes. In contrast, with major depression, other people rarely benefit from the symptoms and won’t implicitly encourage the disease.
4. Instincts–My experience is that my instincts (procrastination, shame, isolation) developed to cope with a depressed mind. That means that I have to develop new instincts to go with a more healthy mind. That takes time and patience, something that I don’t easily give myself. You’re only six months in; give it time.
5. Religion– I’m an Evangelical Christian, and have found my faith to be the healthiest thing in my life. Many times it was the only thing standing between me and suicide. The firm conviction that there was a God, and that suicide was wrong, even if it seemed right to me, kept me alive. I was raised in a mainline Protestant denomination, and didn’t learn that firm conviction there–I learned it from Evangelical Christians.
I’m not trying to discount your experience. I can understand how the emotionality of some “fundamentalist” (I hate that word–it’s completely abused) traditions could feed into a bipolar disease. I’d only suggest that it’s possible that your bipolar tendencies affected the way you experienced those church camp highs and lows, just as those tendencies have affected your other experiences of emotion.
As for “spiritual highs”, I’d look to what Augustine and Aquinas said about the spiritual life; although there can be an emotional sense of well-being, both of them argued that our aim was not to “feel good”, but rather to have our emotions and life in order. In that context, an unwarranted elevated mood is just as undesirable as hopelessness or despair.
6. Medications–I agree that medication is a very important part of recovery. Even though I’ve never had hypomania, there’s still part of me that doesn’t want to admit that my depression is a real problem, so I’ll think I don’t need the medication because my circumstances have changed. I’ve gone off meds with out a doctor’s supervision, and the only thing that accomplished was wasting time.
Anyhow, that’s the perspective from someone you don’t know from Adam. God Bless.
halflight
Hey there! Checked in here a few days ago and read this list of yours. Haven’t been able to shake it-
Sorry/Happy to hear of your diagnosis- sorry because it is a tough disease- happy to know you know and can be empowered with the knowledge.
As the wife of a person with bipolar I disorder (and, as reaffirmed by your diagnosis- apparently a born magnet) I have been trying to think of 12 things I have learned from being married to a person with this illness (subtitled: things a bipolar guy needs to hear from someone other than his wife) . So far this list is developing in my head, and has yet to make it to print form- if it gets there would you like me to send it on to you?
I thought I would ask first, since one thing I have seen is that uninvited information is often received through a pretty suspecting filter. I only want to you to hear what I have to say if you want to hear it. Not that it’s a list of negativities or anything- just ya know- back to that filter. I promise to be kind. Lemme know what you think!
And thank you to halflight for sharing your experience as well!
Amy
Halflight,
Many thanks for your comment. (Love that name, btw!)
Yeah, it’s tough when folks encourage your hypomania at work. I was in a work situation once where the level of work I did when I was hypomanic became expected of me all the time. Didn’t handle that one as well as I would have liked.
That’s the trouble with check-and-egg mental health messiness, eh? The most I can say about my charismatic-fundyism is that is encouraged my bipolar cycle, or encouraged me to think it was normal and healthy. Seems like I was always on a spiritual high or else experiencing a “dark night of the soul.”
Again, thanks!
Amy,
Heh. A girl I dated in high school married a bipolar Baptist preacher! What do you know!
I’d love to see that list when you get it. I’ve seen that sort of thing for friends/family of folks with depression, but not for bipolar. It’s definitely needed.
Hey now! If you’re making sense out of all this and leaving me out of the loop you’re in big trouble buddy!
Great entry, Chance!! It is refreshing to have someone like you who is willing to share their mental issues, and it really makes me feel closer to you. Sometimes, I just feel like people don’t really want to understand, you know?
You won’t be getting any stigma from me!
Some girl: You’ll have to get in line.
Duane: Thankee. I’ll happily substitute beer for stigma anytime.
[…] First, a shout out to Will Shetterly for his shout out for my recent bipolar post. […]
You probably don’t know anything about me, but I have several friends and family members with various kinds and levels of bipolar tendencies/ disorder. May I repost your list on my LJ for them to read?
Please do. Just be sure to leave a link back to this page.
Hi,
I wandered over from Will’s link. I’ve been living with cyclothymia, unmedicated, for about 13 years now. Your post elucidated a number of issues for me, the memory thing being key. Another observation, is that bipolarity tends to create extreme ideas of guilt & evil, with the need for a complete absolution such as dispensational salvation. I’ve found Orthodoxy to be a more balanced faith.
Did you ever experiment with diet, exercise, or alternate therapy methods prior to medication? When I’m following a vegetarian diet, avoiding alcohol & hormones in foods, and regularly dancing, my lapses into extremity are much more infrequent & easily recovered. A structured home & work environment, even regular mealtimes, have also been known to help.
God Bless, and good luck.
Andrea
I’ve wandered into this discussion trying to look up the words of a passage from Paul somewhere (a friend from Martinique just mailed me a 19th century print of slaves and said “Why is life so bloody unfair?” well, rather a big subject for parentheses) BUT..
I really like the 12 points list - I got diagnosed Bi-polar type 2 when I was 40 in 2000 after many years of Helter Skelter. Re. the fundamentalist camp and its highs, it would be sad if it put you off Christian “highs” forever; no one can stay on the mountain all the time but I do like to go there at times. I got born again in 1993 and I’ve been through plenty of history since then but I’m here thanks to God.
Finally, really liked what you said about hypomania seeming to be “normal” and happy but actually being hypomanic.. greetings and blessings Gillian
Andrea, no, the problem with exercise is that you have to exercise to do it. ;-) I eat organic about half the time today, but I wouldn’t say it’s made a big difference mental health wise.
Sleep, however, makes all the difference in the world. If I don’t get those two hours of missed sleep back the next night, watch out.
Gillian, you know, I wouldn’t be surprised if Paul was bipolar. He was at least moodier than your average apostle.
That might be a fun project. Find the bipolars in the bible. There probably enough info there—there’s the requisite disclaimer about not diagnosing from a distance—but fun all the same.
King Saul, anyone? Elijah?
hi, this was a veru interesting read. Im currently researching into to link/possible link between bipolar and creativity.
I find the fact that the characteristics of the manic and depressive phase of the disorder are simular to those of a Creative person very interesting.
The question I am aiming to answer is, “when does creativity become a disorder?”
There seems to be a blurred line regarding this.
Does the disorder control creativity, or creativity control the disorder?
In the sense that, is it because of the disorder the person is creative, (or has heightened creativity), or that because of creativity that the person may have the disorder?
Through my research i found this information…
the manic phadse of bipolar disorder is characterised by emotions and behaviours that parallel the creative process, these include:
- original thinking
- heightened sensativity
- increased drive and productivity
- increased fluidity, fluency and frequency of thoughts
- thedency to use rhymes, idiosyncratics and alliteration
- sharp focus
- intensity
- ability to function on limited sleep
- increased quality and quantity of word usage
- extreme anxiety
-psychosis
I found this interesting, if any one has any comments they wish to make regarding this, i would be very interested to hear them…
thanks!
I wrote a paper on this for my abnormal psych class. ;) A book I often referenced & recommend on the subject is: Touched by Fire. Good luck!
thankyou very much! im hopefully gettin a cpoy of “an unquiert mind” which iv head may be helpful..
My daughter has bipolar and is going through a rough divorce and custody fight with her husband and his mother. They were together for three years and have 2 boys who are now 3. I need to know how do you help someone when there are so many people trying to ruin the person with bipolar? They know she has bipolar and they also so stress is one of the worst things for it but they contiue to POUR it on. They are literally trying to ruin her life, break her down and take her children away. You can only be so strong before something breaks. Does anybody have any suggestions on how to help with this situation?
[…] 12 Things I’ve Learned Since Being Diagnosed with Bipolar. Let the record show I was bipolar before it was […]